January 1, 1995
What is it this year that I'll make a resolution for? I've made resolutions for everything imaginable and not only at New Years. It's like every second of every minute of every hour of every day, three-hundred-sixty-five days a year I make a hundred-trillion little resolutions to make something better. Most of the time it's not even to make myself better, and yet nothing seems to be any better than it was a year ago.
I guess there is one thing that has gotten better. After realizing that my life was near an end some time ago in the bus station downtown Chicago, things have been very different. Okay, I found one person who I seem to be able to talk to about just about anything. She's a wonderful person really. It's hard to say much about her. It kind of scares me. I have a certain sense of respect for her. There are so many things I wish I could talk to her about. Right now, especially. There are countless things on my mind. I'm writing them all down, but I wish I could tell her, or anyone really. She's undoubtedly the best person to talk to though.
The one thing that's better in my life is that I can actually talk openly to people. I know that I used to be so quiet and shy. It's not like I've changed at all, but just opened myself up to a larger array of experiences. I could have been dead at that bus station! I have thought of this so often lately. Until today, after I talked to her, I felt like I was dead.
My New Year's resolution for this year is to be happier and make someone else happier. I only wish I could stay long enough in one place to have enough time to have a decent relationship with someone. Deep down inside, there is only one person I'd want to be with. Only one. And she's part of my New Year's resolution.
I just wish I knew who she was. Maybe I’ll find her one day.
New Year’s Resolution is taken from personal journal entries from my stay at the Illinois Institute of Technology, Chicago, IL, 1992-96.